Soft Skills: How to Make Every Interaction a Happy One

We come alone and we go alone, but we cannot live alone. We were not created for that. We have to interact with others – those we know and those we don’t. And these interactions take up a large portion of our life’s time. It then makes sense to make these interactions as happy as possible.

Whenever I had a happy interaction, I found that a few things fell in place. If one of those fell out, happiness also fell out of the interaction. I did a conscious check time and again, and every time these factors either made or marred the interaction.There are five ingredients that make for a happy interaction.

First, there should be genuine interest in the other person. Recently, my wife asked me to meet her cousin. I was neither interested in that person nor in meeting her. Yet I went. Ten minutes into the interaction, she asked me about the poems I wrote and if I could recall one. Suddenly I sat straight, bent forward, broke into a big smile and spoke. The interaction lasted fully forty minutes and I walked out promising to see her again. Sincere interest can kindle the much needed spark for a happy interaction.

Second, always be in the discussion mode. Disable the argument mode. If possible delete it or better still uninstall it. The discussion mode is an open mode. It allows for a free flow of ideas and opinions with genuine regard and respect for them. Contradiction is welcome; it is not seen as a threat to one’s views. Discussion presupposes emotional maturity. It does not accept everything neither does it reject everything; it evaluates everything and then updates itself. Nowhere is this truer than in the most formal of interactions – the interview. Who would be dumb to win an argument and lose a job? Don’t be surprised if you come across one! As Paramahansa Yogananda aptly said, fools argue; wise men discuss.

Third, follow the 1:2 principle. If you speak for one minute, then listen for two minutes. A colleague of mine uses this principle so effectively that most of the students after the first interaction start calling ‘mother’. Initially I would wonder why, but one interaction with her and I knew the reasons. She spent more time listening and that sent signals to the other person that she cared and they would unburden the most personal of problems to her. No wonder, many looked forward to interacting with her.

Fourth, give room for ignorance. Once when my father and I were in the midst of a heated discussion, he suddenly stopped me and said ‘I don’t know this. Would you explain it to me?’ He gave enough room for ignorance and the heat escaped through it. The interaction turned warm and we drew closer than before.

Fifth, appreciate at least once during the interaction. Not many know that appreciation is a verbal pat. It makes more impact than a physical pat. It boosts the immune system of both the giver and the receiver. Tom Rath, coauthor of “How Full Is Your Bucket?” says that appreciation for others increases health and longevity. The Principal of an earlier college where I worked was very popular. The door of his room was always open and we could walk in anytime. When ever we walked in after a long bout of classes, he would shower appreciation openly and sincerely and we would be walking out all charged for another round of classes. During his tenure as the principal of the college, we put in more hours of work with greater willingness and efficiency. Never did I leave an interaction with him without him offering a word of appreciation.

In every interaction I have been or seen, a happy tone was set by these factors whether those involved in it applied it consciously or unconsciously. Next time you are in an interaction use these ‘Secret Five’ and fill your bucket with another drop of happiness.

 

Soft Skills: Pranayama Can Cure Anger

Anger is the way of the fools; the street-smart knows that anger does not sell. Yet the man on the street is angry more than once a day, and ends up even more miserable. Is there a way out of being angry? Yes, there is. The bottom-line of all anger is that what we think or say or do is not as we ‘want’ it to be. And often our wants are unreasonable. I want my child to get 100 per cent in Arithmetic and when she does not, I get angry. My wife wants me to come home early as promised and when I don’t she gets angry. My boss wants me meet, what I think is, an impossible target, and when I can’t he gets angry. You go to a hotel and when your soup is served cold, you get angry.

But then is there a way out of this. It has been my experience that anger can be managed by managing our expectations. A philosophical outlook towards life and towards others is the starting point. That I know is not easy and it also takes a lot of time. There is however a short-cut: the breath. When we are angry, our breath becomes fast and irregular. By practicing simple yogic breathing exercises everyday, we forge new habits of ease and calmness. Over time, being calm becomes our second nature. Years ago, my temper tantrums were very destructive. At one point they landed me big trouble. That shock set me into the repair mode. On the advice of my grandmother, I turned to breathing exercises or what is popularly called ‘pranayama’. That helped me above all else to become calm. Try it. I know it works!

 

Soft Skills: Stress is Another Name for Problems

During a discussion with a student who complained that the internship program was stressful, it struck me that all my advice about relaxing, yoga, meditation, positive thinking made no impact. Then I realized that I was addressing the symptom and not the cause. Here was a young adult who was new to the city and the job of selling, who could not relate anything he had done earlier to this new experience. Stress was not the issue. The reasons for his helplessness were the only issues.

From that interaction I understood that stress management is a misnomer, that no such thing called ‘stress’ exists. What exists is a ‘problem’. Being late is a problem; having no priorities is a problem; not being organized is a problem; laziness is a problem.Behind all stress is a problem that needs to be addressed. Identifying the problem and finding a remedy for it is the surest way to beat stress. For instance, if you are frequently late to the office, the answer is to start early. All the breathing exercises or other tricks would not solve the stress you would feel on arriving late to the office. After all, you cannot treat the shadow and expect the person to be healed.

There are I understand broadly two schools of thought regarding stress. One is that stress is a result of our thoughts than because of the external environment. Thoughts, in human beings, can produce Adrenaline. Adrenaline causes anxiety or stress. Anxious thoughts in turn produce Adrenaline. The cause-effect-cause is cyclical. One leads to the other and so it goes on.

In fact, Silvia Hartmann aptly calls anxiety or stress as Adrenaline allergy. The key according to this school of thought is to bring the Adrenaline back to normal. This, according to Silvia Hartmann, is done through acupuncture, acupressure, faith healing, energy healing, Reiki, meditation, Karate, Yoga, and other powerful and practical techniques. The predominant principle of this school is that there is a connection between our thoughts and our energy system. And that it is our energy system can be easily regulated than our thoughts. By calming our energy system we calm our thoughts and normalize the Adrenaline in the body.

 

Soft Skills: A Life of Reading or A Reading of Life

Two colleagues of mine were talking about the articles they had sent individually for publishing. Both were on the same topic. Only one of them was selected. The younger colleague, the one whose article was not selected, remarked that she had done lot of reading and research to write the article. She wondered why her article was not chosen. The elder colleague, whose article was preferred, was comforting her when another colleague overheard the conversation and said, ‘Such articles require experience and not reading or research. That I think is both reflected in the content and the choice.’

There is a lot of wisdom in that statement.

 

Soft Skills:Truthful or Sincere

A student recently asked me if there was any difference between being truthful and being sincere. That set me thinking. I think there is a basic difference: Both speak the same language, but the presentation is different; while truth is naked, sincerity is clothed. And that means there needs to be an understanding of when to be truthful and when to be sincere.

 

Two Pillars of Personal Growth, Wealth and Success: Attitude and Discipline. Part – I

Just today I read a foreword that said that the new-age philosophy is not practical and is misguiding too. The author (as expected) went on to say how her book was different (and you know what). No philosophy (new-age or old-age) works unless you work it out. Even the most inspiring book is a book still (paper and ink). It becomes a personal coach when you get up and work on it. Else it is book…a piece of writing. So with this piece of writing.

I write this because I think what I have learned can benefit you just as or perhaps more than it has benefited me.

Most of us are now familiar with the popular numerical way of demonstrating that attitude is THE way to success. If we take the number of each letter in the alphabet where A=1, B=2, C=3, D=4, E=4 and so on till Z=26, and substitute the numbers in the word ATTITUDE, it becomes 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 (A=1, T=20, I=9, U=21, D=4, E=5) which equals to 100.

When I first came across it I found it quite interesting and inspiring. It also triggered a question: were there any other words which totaled 100. Well we will come to that a little later. Now it is about attitude.

The word attitude has become so familiar that we no longer tend to recognize its presence or absence. We have come to take it for granted. From over a million definitions of attitude and another million quotes on attitude, the best is by Paul Myer. It is the best because it does not talk about how important attitude is. However, it states in simple terms both what attitude is and how it is acquired.

This is what Paul Myer says: “Attitudes are nothing more than habits of thoughts, and habits can be acquired. An action repeated becomes an attitude realized.”

There are two things of importance in these words: that attitudes are habits of thoughts and that attitudes are acquired.

Habits of Thoughts. What a riveting phrase! All creation rests on a speck of thought, Paramahansa Yogananda said. Attitude too has its roots in thought. Looking at it in another, Attitude is the fruit of thoughts and thoughts are the building blocks of life. So, our attitude mirrors our thoughts.

However, an occasional negative thought doesn’t form the attitude. It is repeated thoughts that crystallize into attitudes. Since attitudes are habits (of thoughts) and habits are acquired, we can do away with wrong habits (wrong attitude) and build new good habits (good attitude) into our lives. We have to unsettle the thought patterns.

How do we do this? Very simply, by changing our thoughts! Just remember that we cannot erase a habit; we can however replace it. We start this by consciously thinking, reading, listening, speaking and watching those that will assist in acquiring the new habits. (NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming – is a wonderful tool to change habits almost immediately. You could meet a certified NLP practitioner in your locality and seek his or her assistance. )

Any change begins with the ‘disciplined’ desire to change. And that brings us to the second pillar of personal growth: Discipline. We will see that in next part of the this article.

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Info Parking Area

1668, via Fr., from It. attitudine “disposition, posture,” also “aptness, promptitude,” from L.L. aptitudinem (nom. aptitudo), noun of quality from L. aptus “fit” (see apt). Originally 17c. a technical term in art for the posture of a figure in a statue or painting; later generalized to “a posture of the body supposed to imply some mental state” (1725). Sense of “settled behavior reflecting feeling or opinion” is first recorded 1837. Connotations of “antagonistic and uncooperative” developed 1962 in slang.

- attitude. (n.d.). Online Etymology Dictionary. Retrieved July 04, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/attitude

——-000——-

The components that make up the structure of “attitude” are

1. Cognitive Component – The Mental Map
2. Affective Component – Emotional Quotient
3. Behavioral Component – The Action Taken

In NLP, a person’s attitude is considered to be a result of his or her internal state, the mental map from which that person is operating and his / her “meta program” Patterns. Attitudes are related to values and beliefs. NLP techniques are applied to influence people’s attitudes, through affecting the underlying components on internal state, mental map or meta program patterns.
- Retrieved July 04, 2008 from http://www.jayakartha.com

 

Great Conversation Made Easy

Tongue-tied about what to talk? Does the silence in a conversation make you nervous? Do you keep wondering what to say next in the conversation? If you do, then read on. This could help you find answers to the questions above. How can I say that confidently? I have asked those questions and over time have found answers that worked for me (Trust me. I found my love).

The fastest way to be interesting is to be able to converse. Great conversations are not necessarily about rocket science nor are they rocket science. They are everyday topics. Good conversations have one central idea: to create an atmosphere of relaxation and fun, an ambiance of trust and friendship. The experienced conversationalist understands this and picks his or her topics carefully. He or she knows that interesting topics or ‘hot’ topics are ‘their-centered’ by which I mean that they are about the person he or she is talking to or conversing with.

Since the idea of any conversation is to relax and enjoy and in the process perhaps build relationships, secure a business deal, get popular, acquire friends, it would be wise to avoid controversial topics or topics that could turn into unnecessary arguments. As such it is sensible to keep off topics which have two or more opposing sides to them.

One way to do this is to talk about what people love to share. And what do they love to share? Usually it is about their families, their life, their hopes, their dreams, their aspirations, their successes, their failures, their achievements, their love life, their romance, their sorrows, their joys, their problems, their heartaches, their memories, their likes, their dislikes, their hobbies, their interests, their happiest moment, their greatest challenge, their birthday, their heroes, their role models, their awards, their parents, their hometown, their school, their friends, their work, their boss(this is my all time favorite), their childhood, their friends, their regrets, their crush, their funniest incident, their varied experiences, their biggest professional challenge, their strengths, their weaknesses, their favorite movie and so on. (Don’t you love talking about them? I’d love to!! ))

Now that we know what triggers great conversation how do we get started? One sure-fire way is to ask them questions about the above topics and watch them share.

For example, you could say,

“What is the happiest moment in your life?”
“What is it that you love the most about your parents the most?”
“Who is your favorite singer?”
“What is your dream vacation?”.

However there are FOUR Must-Follow Conversation Rules:
Do not interrupt the speaker while he or she is sharing. (They are putting emotion into words)
Turn off your mobile or put it into silent mode.
Look into their eyes while they speak. Don’t stare. ( Or you would scare them)
Most importantly be Sincere. 100%

What stops thou, now? Go ahead, Happy conversing!!

 

The Benefits, Uses, Importance, Science and Habit of Reading

Reading is to the mind what food is to the body and prayer is to the soul. Just as we become what we eat, we take after what we read. But how does this happen? Most people consider reading to be a passive activity. There is nothing farther from truth than this belief. Reading is the gymnasium in which each book is a dumbbell to be exercised by the mind. In fact, it not only exercises the mind, but also strengthens it. Let us see how this is done.

For those of us who always look for scientific proof before accepting something, there is considerable scientific evidence that reading is a brain booster, a brain tonic, so much so that it may be the key to reducing the risk of developing dementia, including Alzheimer’s disease.

According to Ken Pugh, PhD, president and director of research of Haskins Laboratories, which is devoted to the science of language and affiliated with Yale, “parts of the brain that have evolved for other functions—such as vision, language, and associative learning—connect in a specific neural circuit for reading, which is very challenging“. This means that “reading is more neurobiologically demanding than processing images or speech“. The brain stands to gain from reading as attention is put to action and so is comprehension.

Maryanne Wolf, director of the Center for Reading and Language Research at Tufts University and author of Proust and the Squid: The Story and Science of the Reading Brain, says that “typically, when you read, you have more time to think. Reading gives you a unique pause button for comprehension and insight. By and large, with oral language—when you watch a film or listen to a tape—you don’t press pause.” That much for scientific evidence.

Reading, in simple terms can be stated as a process of seeing, listening, understanding, feeling, associating, recollecting, learning, reasoning, imagining, analyzing, appreciating, reflecting, comprehending, to name a few. All these are dynamic in that we are taking active part in the processes. Reading, thus, is a whole-brain exercise ( it uses both the left and the right hemisphere of the brain) and is the all-time favorite learning tool. Still not convinced about cultivating the reading habit? Let me try this

There are a million reasons why reading makes us a better person. Here are a few(personally)…

• We learn new things
• We meet and interact with great minds
• We experience a mosaic of human emotions
• We add to our vocabulary
• We time-travel
• We get inspired
• We relive our childhood
• We never get bored
• We better our language skills
• We gain insights into things old and new
• We never enter the ‘devil’s workshop’ (the idle mind!!)
• We are triggered to pen our thoughts
• We speak intelligibly
• We get to choose our environment (mental-ambiance)
• We know different writing styles (like mine :- I))
• We converse better
• We motivate others
• We start writing/blogging
• We get long-lasting value
• We earn more than the initial investment
• We effect profound change in our life
• We learn vicariously

So you see, reading adds value to our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual being. How about picking up a book from that shelf of yours!! Happy reading!!

 

How to Attain and Retain Success in Life with a Definite Goal

Today morning, my wife, a teacher herself, and I were talking about a student who was scolded by the Manager of the company where she was doing her Internship. The student had not met her targets and the Manager was not happy with her performance. He asked her to be more innovative, to take more initiative. I have known this student for over four years and what always bugged me was her laid-back attitude. That I understood, over a decade of teaching and having interacted with about 10,000 students, is a common flaw. Most have no goals that burn in their hearts, no desire-to-be-or-do-something churn in their souls.

I wonder at times looking at these young adults if they are sleep walking through life At their age the blood should be hot and the nerves on fire. But what do we find dead men walking. If only these youngsters learned the four-step formula for blazing through life and for scaling the dizzy heights of achievement. Four words describe the process of attaining and retaining success and ensuring personal growth. They are: Burning, Churning, Learning, and Earning.

#1. Don’t Have a Goal, Have a Burning Goal:

All success begins with a desire. This has to be burning, all-consuming. It should eat into the heart and peep into the dreams. Any desire that is worthwhile and good. But these should be a desire that will ignite your every breath. That is the starting point.

Many times people tell me, ‘But I don’t have such desire’. My answer is this: think of someone you admire and find out why you admire that person. You have the clear clue to a desire. Hold on to that desire. Fan its sparks into flames.

A colleague of mine of an earlier college quit his job as a language teacher when he met a realtor. He was the only earning member of his family and the risk was very high. Yet the more he met the realtor, the stronger became his desire and finally he took the plunge. He took to real estate and in just a year increased his income by 20 times. One look into his eyes and you will see the tell-tale signs of success: the fire-to-be-something.

#2. Don’t Just Have a Goal, Churn it:
Once the burning starts and the heat picks up it is important to churn the goal. The thoughts, like a tornado, should whirl in your mind around the object of desire. Otherwise, chances are that the fire will die down in due course. This means that we exercise the faculty of choice to think and to do that which strengthens the goal and avoid that which weakens it.

There should be the constant thrust towards the dream-we-want-to-fulfill. How to do this? It is easy: join the company of achievers, move with them, interact with them. If you don’t find achievers around you, you can surely track them down in the form of books. The point is to surround yourself with success-full company. Their company is high-voltage motivation. The churning then gets magnetic, drawing you closer to the burning goal.

#3. Don’t Learn only from Failures, Learn from Success:
The third component of success is learning. This is made simple by breaking the goal into smaller chunks, making them more specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-bound. In other words, the goal and becomes SMART. So does the learning with each failure or success at these steps.

Now the significant point is that too much emphasis has been made on learning from failure. We learn ‘what wont work’. That is negative learning. The positive process is to learn from success. We learn ‘what will work’. Both are important. However, positive learning has greater capacity to leverage success than negative learning.

#4. Don’t Just Desire Success, Deserve it:
The burning, the churning and the learning set the stage for the earning of success. Success cannot resist the magnetic pull of the deserving. It gravitates to them. To deserve is to do your best. And constantly improve the best. In the college where I work, the best placements in the best companies always go not to those who just desire, but to those who deserve. The Law of Attraction is exacting.

Map your personal growth and personal development on these lines and surely ‘yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!’

 

How to Kiss The Fillers and Crutch Words Goodbye while Speaking

A student came to me yesterday with a familiar request. He wanted me to help him stop using fillers when he talked. When he spoke, he used more fillers than other words. He said something like, “Sir, like, I have, like, a problem. Like, you know, my friends tell me, aa, um, er…“. So, we spoke for over thirty minutes. I am sure that what helped him will help you also to erase the fillers or cut the crutch word should you have one. Even otherwise the tips will help.

What are fillers or crutch words?
Fillers are essentially sounds or words spoken to fill up the gaps in the speech more so in a formal interaction like an interview or public speaking. We all use them at one time or the other. An occasional use of filler would go unnoticed like an occasional hiccup. But if you hiccups frequently, it is time to take notice of it.

Why do we have fillers or crutch words?
But why do we use fillers at all when they are not beneficial? You use if you are hesitant or uncertain of what to say or what you say. At other times, fillers are unconsciously used especially when you are nervous or tensed while speaking. In most cases, the crutch word is a habit so deep that one does not even notice it until someone points it out.

What is your crutch word?
“It is all that matters” was my crutch phrase. I never knew it until one day the students presented me a card with the words “it is all that matters” written all over it. That was a rude shock. I always felt proud that I had no crutch words. It took me a couple of days to cut the phrase out. What is your crutch word?

The Filler Hara-Kiri
If you are attending interviews and Group Discussions, or any interview process that requires speaking, fillers or crutch words can be a cause of concern. The reason is simple: to the interviewer it will signify you lack confidence or you are not prepared. If you use fillers consciously or unconsciously, it is nothing short of Hara-Kiri.

10 Ways to Erase Fillers
Here are 10 things I have used in the class to erase the fillers used by my students in their talk whether in an informal chat or in a formal setting. I have also personally used these methods to wipe away fillers. I still use them on occasion.

1 When in Doubt, Shut the Mouth: Fillers need an opening to fill. An open mouth is the ideal space for a filler. The best thing to do to avoid fillers is to shut the mouth when not speaking. You only have to make a conscious attempt initially to say nothing when you have nothing to say. That way you can avoid fillers and crutch words.

2 Think Consciously and Speak slowly: Awareness, Swami Vivekananda said, is the key to success. It applies here too. You should be conscious of what you think. Then say it slowly, deliberately articulating the thoughts. And even then should a filler slip in, follow rule number 1.

3 Rewind a Filler Sentence and Play the Correct One: Even after you follow the first two tips, there are chances that a filler may just pop up. Then all you have to do is to repeat the sentences sans the filler or crutch word. This is ideal when you are practicing your talk. It can be used when you go ‘live’ too. For example, you said, ‘I have, er, a great friend, who, um, is new to the town.’ Go back and rephrase the sentence or repeat it without the er or um. This is ‘spot-training’.

4 Go on a One Minute Filler Diet: During the day, when you are free, talk to yourself on any topic for 60 seconds and all the while make a conscious attempt to speak without using fillers for those 60 seconds. In a sense, go on a filler diet. If 60 seconds is too long, go on a 30 second diet.

5 Read Aloud for 10 Minutes Everyday: This is a tried and tested method. Reading aloud slowly and clearly reinforces the correct speech pattern. Reading is to the mouth and mind what exercise is to the body. Plus reading has positive side effects: it adds value in terms of vocabulary and sentence patterns.

6 Listen to Interactions and Catch the Fillers: The live interviews on the TV can be a good source for overcoming the filler problem. Watch the interactions and catch the fillers and better still count them. As said earlier, awareness is the key.

7 Pair and Play the Filler Count Game: If you can find a partner, then this is a good one. Each of you talk for a minute on a topic while the other counts the fillers. Whoever is the highest, treats the other.

8 Use the 4Ps: Plan, Prepare, Practice, Perform: Like the 4Ps of marketing, there are 4Ps of public speaking. Each P is very important for the overall performance. Plan every detail carefully. Leave nothing to chance. Then prepare the draft. Rewrite it a 100 times if need be. Practice what has been prepared. Take care to practice correctly for wrong practice can end up with incorrect actions. These can lead to erroneous performance. Lastly perform as if your life depended on it.

9 Speak in Short sentences: The adage don’t bite off more than you can chew is apt here. Speak short simple sentences. That way you can avoid unnecessary mistakes. It will also very clear to the audience. On top of it, you will have control over your words. And over your fillers too.

10 If Nothing Else Works, Bite the Fillers: This sounds a bit rough but I have used it effectively on myself. The moment a filler slips out of my mouth, I bite my tongue. I bite it just enough to remind me of the mistake. In fact, it is biting the fillers figuratively. It helped me.

I have written here what has helped either me or my students in overcoming the fillers or crutch words. I believe that if you use them sincerely, as we did, they will be of immense help to you. So here’s wishing you a filler-free oration.

Acknowledgment: The symbols used from http://www.through-the-maze.org.uk/pages/. I have made minor changes to suit the situation.